Five years before I became a church server, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. As a young 7 year old back then, I had a difficult time understanding what was going on until my our dad told us, “Mommy might die anytime.” I felt helpless and cried. I thought to myself, what can a kid like me do to fight cancer? I will give up my toys, my piggy bank, everything! Just don’t take her away. Every night I hear my mom screams in pain and every night I prayed. I prayed, even though I hated doing it as a kid, I still did it. I got home before 6pm to pray the rosary and I went to church every Sunday, but in the back of my head, I just wanted to play outside with my friends or with my Nintendo. However, that moment was an exception, that time I prayed, hoping that mom could stay with us a little longer. Just a little more time for her to see us grow up. I begged for many nights. Maybe He can hear me–my cries and my plead. I don’t remember exactly when but it’s been awhile since we had a peaceful sleep. I don’t know what happened but eventually dad didn’t remind us that “Mommy might die anytime.”
I was a hard headed kid, a little spoiled, and a Mama’s boy. I would always run to mom whenever I get into trouble, especially at time when my dad would scold me. She is my lawyer and that explains why whenever I get into trouble and I can minimize my penalty. Every time I am sick, I couldn’t think of anybody else to call but her. She is my doctor who could take away the pain without medicine. Every time I have a problem, she knows. She is my friend who I could tell my secrets to without worrying she’d tell anybody. Every time my friends would make fun of me by telling her who my crush is, she would also joke around by making a love team out of our names. She is my cupid that will always be supportive of all my romantic affairs. We laughed a lot and cried at times. We shared so much memories that I don’t know what to tell you first. It was a happily ever after, so we thought.
We were happily preparing for my parents’ silver wedding anniversary. The guest list were ready and everything was almost set. Suddenly, mom needed to be rushed to the hospital for a stomach ache. I turned out to be a intestinal problem that was a side effect of her chemo therapy back then. She needed to undergo surgery, so the big wedding celebration was put on hold. After some check-ups, the doctors found out that her cancer cells came back and are now attacking her bones. She already outlived the previous cancer and it’s back again after 18 years. We were devastated to say the least. My mom is a strong woman. She would never back down this fight. She already won against it before and she knows she can do it again. Unfortunately this time, her age has gotten the best of her, her immune system is way weaker and her cancer cells are already immune to her previous medications. It was like a deja vu I thought to myself. The sleepless nights were back, the painful days, and the constant reminder that dad tells us–“Mommy can die anytime.” I prayed hard but unlike before, this time I am used to praying. I memorized all the prayers in the book and most of the prayers prayed in the sacraments. I am closer to God this time, maybe He would hear my prayers better than a 7 year old child who didn’t want to pray or go to church. Maybe He would grant me a wish after serving Him for more than half of my life that somehow took all of my teen and adulthood years. Maybe this time, you’ll let her be with us for good, sick-free.
As days and months have passed, I involved myself in more church activities. I’ve given all my time to service thinking this is my way of sacrifice for Him to hear my prayers. Unfortunately, mom’s condition still got worse. I can’t think of any other way to help her but to pray. I know it in my heart that more than her medications, prayers can heal her. Aside from all the retreats and recollections I participated and facilitated before, my mom taught me that. I know, we’ve done it before. I prayed more than usual, but still mom didn’t get better. I was on the point of praying Basha’s line, “Sana ako nalang..” I prayed like it was the only I can do. Then one morning, as I was in the office praying the rosary when my phone rang; ‘Mom’ says in the screen. However when I answered, it was my sister who was on the line. Her voice was cracking and I started to tremble as she speaks. I was blank for a moment before I tried to calm her down and saying “I’ll be there, just wait.” I walked like a zombie while I travel to the hospital. I was pale and speechless but there was no tears. As I walked into the Emergency Room, I saw her, mom. I hugged her tight and tear in my eyes flowed like an open dam on a rainy season. I never thought of the day my dad’s reminder would happen. I always thought of it as a joke after mom survived the first wave of cancer, never thought it has a second one.
I always thought of myself as a youth leader with a strong faith in God. I thought my faith was already unbreakable. Before I always questioned myself of what His plans are for me. This time, I questioned Him like I have never done before. My faith was in pieces. Every time I pick it up I bleed in pain. I couldn’t cry a tear in her wake and when she was rested. My mind and heart was so preoccupied asking Him, “Why?” I came back to church service after mom’s resting and more questions popped into my mind, “What am I still doing here?”, “Is this all worth it?”, “He didn’t save mom and you’re here?”. I stand before a group of young people asking them to serve while deep inside I question myself why I was there. It felt like it was just my sense of responsibility that’s making me go to church and serve. I am there physically, but my soul isn’t. However, it was also through continuing my service where I got the answers to my questions. The more than 2 month event was a penitensya, a reflection, and a recollection for me. It was a long process.
I realized that my prayers were heard but God just had better plans. It sounds cliche and ironic that I even teach that basic lesson to 7 year olds. Yet, I who basically lived a life in service has forgotten it. He didn’t grant mine but He did hear my mom’s prayers. The reason I can’t cry a tear before was because mom would have never wanted me to and God granted it. (Emman Kyle Velasco)
Emmanuel Velasco
Writer, Website Team - MPIM
