Resolving Conflicts

Let’s make it a habit that whenever we have issues with our family member or friend, all it takes are three words: “Can we talk?” “Usap tayo sandali.” (Lea Basilio)

Every man is born unique. He’s got his own behavior, attitude, temperament and preferences.

Like mixing different personalities together, conflicts may arise. Some will just keep it to themselves. Some will find every channel they can to explain their side, hoping people will take their side.

During a mass a priest shared that Ivatans, for example, when wronged by other people, would prefer to keep silent. They won’t complain nor assert themselves and talk to the persons who wronged them.  This is not good because the other person may think that what he’s doing is right.

So what do we do when someone wronged us?

Talk… privately.

Exercise courtesy and respect.

Since the introduction of social media, I’d say society’s sense of privacy and etiquette has begun to decline. People fight – family against family; sister against sister; spouse against spouse – and exchange harsh words and threats to each other publicly without even taking the time first to sit down and talk. The days where we face one another and simply talk are slowly slipping away from our hands. Technology and social media were supposed to connect us closer but, their original meaning and purpose seem to evolve into narcissism and fame.

But we can still change this.

Let’s make it a habit that whenever we have issues with our family member or friend, all it takes are three words: “Can we talk?” “Usap tayo sandali.”

Start a conversation, not an argument.

In a conversation, there’s time to talk and time to listen. Admit it. Oftentimes we remember the first and conveniently forget the latter.

Before we let any word come out of our mouth, let us remind ourselves that the goal of this conversation is to gain thy brother, not the argument.

Seek help

Some conversations can be difficult where no one walks out gaining anyone or anything. There are situations that can be out of control. At this point, it’s time to seek help. Find people who can help talk to whoever we’re having conflicts with. Look not for allies but for people neutral and open-minded enough who can look at the situation without bias. They will serve as witness and advisor to our situation. Should the other party continue to neglect our efforts to reconcile, seek counsel from the parish. It doesn’t necessarily need to be the parish priest. Catholic churches all over the world have ministries we can easily reach out to.

Let go

Sometimes, we can only do so much. Man was created with free will so freely he will choose, though we all know there are consequences for every choice he makes. We tried, and that matters a lot.

Yes, it’s quite difficult to let go of someone dear to us but remember that letting them go doesn’t mean we’re giving up on them. People sometimes learn the hard way so let them learn. Just stand by and wait for the opportune moment, that moment where they will welcome us to step in.

It’s indeed difficult to start a conversation about someone’s fault and how it affected us. Some just couldn’t stand the “drama” of it. Good news is, it doesn’t have to be ‘dramatic”. It can be a simple conversation over lunch or over coffee or over a walk in the park.

Remember this verse from the Gospel of Matthew (18:15-17), “If thy brother shall trespass against thee, go tell him his fault between him and thee alone. If he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses, every word shall be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church but if he neglects to hear the church, let him unto thee and heathen man and a publican.” This is a reminder of our responsibility as children of God and believers of Christ and a warning for those who choose not to listen and give in to their pride and sin. We are responsible for one another.  We should exert efforts to correct our brothers and let them not fall into sin. Also, we are free men, and such free will means we are also accountable for the consequences of our own good and bad choices. (Lea Basilio)